SaYa CHekGu NuRuL & tHesE weRe mY DoOdLes

わたしは、えいえんにあなたをあいして (I love you, forever)

2011-08-04T16:24:00.002+08:00

I woked up, and I felt a strange chilling sensation down to my spine. And I suddenly thought of you. I immediately hit the bathroom, take a short shower and I left my apartment with an empty stomach. Deep down inside, I knew that something must had went wrong.
Everytime when I turn down on that road, the thought of seeing you was ever the wildest dream I would have. We were two different souls but connected through a sacred bond. A bond that only death could break us apart. A bond that Allah and His prophet acknowledge and approve of. But since of us were too young to be living in a same house and both of us were still students, our parents decided that we stayed in different houses yet, not too far from each other.
But, never I thought that one day, when I walked past the road, I'd be seeing you lying in the middle of the road, with your body in a total mess. Your bones crushed into pieces. Your face, oh, your face. I can't recognise your face. You were covered with scarlet red fluid, and even now, I can still remember that scarlet red pool.
I stammered. Standing still at the roadside. Then, I rushed to you, almost as fast as my adrenaline gushed throughout my veins. I fell on my knees, hands over your chest, wiping your face, removing all the dirts, shaking you vigorously, with the hope held high, wishing that you still have air in you lungs. Hoping that you whispered my name.
My tears kept falling down on your face, and the moment I looked at you, I can see my tears mixed with your blood and it seemed like you were crying tears of blood, tears of pain, tears of vain.
I screamed. And I screamed. Screamed for help. But, no one was around. And I suddenly felt lonely. Very lonely. I never felt that lonely before. I was afraid. The loneliness gave me such a fright. I wouldn't want that, but I couldn't reverse time to the moments when you were still alive.
I tried to carry you, but my knees were trembling. I wanted to bring you to a safer place. But my limbs were weak. I looked back at you. Searching for your sweet smile, looking for that traces of your love towards me. From that moment, I could see you glow. Strength over came me. I lifted you up. But your weight pulled me down. So, I had to carry you while dragging my knees on the road. My knees were burning, I pushed that feeling aside. I dropped my bag on the roadside, and rested your head on it.
Collecting my last strength, and held them right in my throat and I screamed, as loud as I could. I screamed until I pierced my ears with my own voice. Silence broke. Wings fluttered away. Crows croaked together as if they were helping me calling other living souls.
I waited patiently, with your bloody hands in mine, I clutched to it tightly, even though your hands were cold, but I could feel your heat radiated into me. My body weakened. My eyes twitched. Blackened. My head thud on your chest.
Time passed and suddenly, I heard voices. Muttering from over a distance. The voice grew larger. And larger. Foot steps became louder.
Still on your chest, I tried to open my eyes, but my lids were too heavy to open. I tried to open my mouth, but nothing came out from it. So, I waited and it felt like forever.
People gasped. I pulled my head up and my lips brushed your soaked shirt. I licked my lips, wanting to moisten my chapped lips, dried from hours of crying, but it tasted like copper - your blood. But I blackened again.
When I came into, I heard beeping sound over my head. I felt something punctured my hand. Something nourishing flowed in my veins. I smelled something that was very familiar. Hospital.
I opened my eyes and I woke up abrubtly, as if my body was surged with millions of electrical shock. I pulled the needle off from my hand with force, pushed the thick blanket that covered me from waist down, flung my legs over the bed, pushed the door wide open and I started to scream your name.
My body was not fully recovered yet, so I fell over on the floor on each and every steps I took. Bumped over things. I searched for something that could support me up. Railing. I grabbed hold onto it.
I screamed your name, over and over again. I heard voices calling over my name. I glanced to my back. White dresses ran towards me. Grabbing me from behind. I fought myself away from them. But, there were too many of them. Four or five. Enough to silent me down.
I was brought back to my room. They talked to me about something, their voice seemed like begging for me for something. But I shut my ears from their voices. I pulled my face away from them.
Then, I heard footsteps coming to my room. I was hoping the footsteps were coming from you. But, it sounded so different from yours. It was the doctor.
The doctor explained everything that had happened, to me and to you. But, I couldn't hear a thing, even though I tried so hard to listen to him, all I could hear was a buzz. As if God wanted to cover the ugly truth from my knowledge. As if He didn't want me to lose hope and faith.
The next day, I was discharged from the hospital.
Days passed. Mum left newspapers on my dressing table this morning.
"A boy of 23 died in a hit-and-run tragedy"
"A newly wed left his wife"
"A young widow of 22 was questioned by police"
"She loved him to the very end"
Some of the headlines were disturbing, some weren't. But I don't mind at all. But at least, I know the truth. Every bits of it. I understand that everything that happened was on its own accord. Perhaps, He loves you more than I do.
I hit for the shower. Dried myself up, put on my long dress which you gave me as the wedding gift. I put a scarf on, covering my hair, which also a present from you on our last outing with my family before our wedding day.
I hopped into the car, skipping my breakfast. I sat at the front seat, buckling my seatbelt and Dad drove me away. I asked him to stop over at the florist. I picked two red roses from the florist and back into the car.
"Honey, can you hear me? Well, was it nice there, the afterlife? Hope you are fine there. Don't you worry about me. I'm fine. Mmm, do you still remember that day? The day when you proposed me. You know what, I can still remember that day. You wore that yellow polo shirt of your favourite, which I hated it so much but I eventually started to like it, and your worn out blue jeans. Both of us was on an outing with your family and we had dinner at Nando's. And suddenly you pulled out a small red velvet box from your pocket. And you asked my hand in marriage. And you asked your mum to put the ring on my left ring finger and it fitted perfectly. I was very happy. But you said something to me. That time, I don't understand the exact meaning, but now I know. You said that this marriage will not be a long one. Only in afterlife, then our marriage will be a long lasting one. I love you, honey. Honey, our daughter juat learned how to walk. She's adorable. And she had your smile and your eyes. I brought the picture of her. See? Isn't she just adorable. Our little angel. Izzah Insyirah. You liked that name, right? Take these roses. One from me, and one from our angel. Well, your mum send you her regards. Your father's away at the moment. Tokyo. Outstation. And he taught me a new sentence. It's in Japanese. Watashiwa, eien ni anata wo aishite. It means, 'I love you, forever'. I got to go. Next Friday, I'll be here again. Assalamualaikum."

I felt it before...

2010-12-07T17:44:00.000+08:00

What is this feeling?
I somehow seem to recognize it.

Anxiety?
Happy?
Sad?
Love?

Oh, it's been a while Jealousy!
I thought I'll never meet you again,
What a surprise!
You grew old, very old.
Why?
It's my fault?
For keeping you that long?
A year cannot possibly be that long.
And, your accusation of me dumping you,
That's totally a lie. A BIG FAT LIE!

Let us put our bad memories aside.
Forget the past.
Let us be friends again.
Because I need you to let me feel the jealousy in me again...
Can you, Miss Jealousy?

P.U.P.P.Y.E.Y.E.D.Y.O.U - Part 1

2010-10-12T00:41:00.000+08:00

Silence wrapped me cold,
Happiness unleashed nowhere,
Sweetness seemed old,
Bitterness filled the air.
By then, I know I was all alone,
Noone to hold on to,
Moments later, I took steps of my own,
To follow the tracks or to take the "road not taken", even my sane mind seemed confused too.

No time for me to rhyme anymore,
Since I was in the state of disorientate.

I wandered off around the place that trapping me in,
Looking, eying around, checking of any living creatures,
But nothing was here,
"Nothing???"
Damn!
What to do? WHAT TO DO?
I ran!
As fast as I can!
As fast as my feet can go, seeking for the escape.
Daylight faded, darkness blanketed,
Still, NOTHING!

Hours passed away,
My feet bleed but numbness took the pain away - my shoes are gone -,
My skin bruised and scratched,
My clothes which were before white in colour turned into red, as if I perspired blood ,
Paces slowed down until I barely able to lift my feet,
And I fell down on my knee.

Tears gushed down,
Sobs and mutters killed the silence of a bare piece of land.

Tugged my knees to my chest,
Trying to bear with the coldness,
I laid my head on the hard dry tree root,
And my eyes slowly fluttered and then it shut very tightly and...

WATER!
I'M THIRSTY...
FOOD!
I'M HUNGRY...

I woke up abruptly,
Perhaps my body was too worn off, I didn't realise that it was already noon.
I struggled on my feet, but I got not enough strength,
The only strength that I got just barely enough for me to breathe properly.
My consciousness jerked, Hungry for the Light to come,
And suddenly, within the raging seconds on the verge of dying,
I caught a glimpse of a white cloak walking towards me.

Thank God, my saviour!

He leaned towards me,
Carefully examining my condition,
And after a long second,
He concluded that I was still breathing but the breathe I took was very, very shallow.

I used the strength that I spared - in case of any anything like this would happen -
To open up my eyelids and I puppy-eyed at the stranger,
He responded to it in a very gentle, subtle way,
And he then whistled for his carriage and lifted me up slowly yet swiftly on that magnificent invention,
And slowly, I surrendered myself to my tiredness and drifted away to a very deep sweet dream.

Ain't it hurt?

2010-10-04T01:44:00.000+08:00

Very easy of you to crumple my heart,
And very easy of you to say "I'm sorry..."
Can't you see me wither?
Can't you hear me break?
Or are you sane enough to say that I'm okay but the truth is I'm not?

Day by day you've changed,
Now, you are not the person I once knew,
Do you realise it or you just ignore it?
Or perhaps, you don't want the people to judge you or to say that you made a huge mistake?

So arrogant, so stubborn, so foolish,
So disloyal, so crazy, so selfish,
Many more than this that I want to say to you,
But, how can I, since you never let me get them through to you...

You are on your own now,
and please don't...
Don't come begging mercy from me...

T.R.U.S.T

2010-03-30T00:36:00.000+08:00

T.R.U.S.T is single word with a single syllable
Yet, it is a profound word.

Ego

2010-03-19T02:34:00.000+08:00

The ego in you made my ego gurgled,
My patient grew thinner,
My emotions ran wild,
My hatred grew stronger,
But I have to retreat,
The retreat is not a failure to me,
Coz the retreat is the winning ticket, a jackpot
For my present and my future.

Tears

2010-03-19T02:29:00.002+08:00

Tears of the past I will forever treasure,
But tears of the future,
I will cast them away and out of my life.

Stupidity

2010-03-19T02:28:00.000+08:00

Your stupidity will never influence me!
But it makes me more mature,
So, thanks for making me feel and think more mature!

Insanity

2010-03-19T02:26:00.002+08:00

The insanity in me, drives you insane!
Hahaha...
I got to do that,
Cause I got no choice.

~Untitled~

2010-03-19T02:24:00.000+08:00

If you hurt me once,
I hurt you twice,
But FYI,
No matter what,
I am still your friend!

(I am totally insane and quite cruel, right?)

I care, how about you?

2010-03-19T02:19:00.000+08:00

If you care about a person,
How do you show it?

For me,
Different person, different kind of approaches I used.
But, sometimes, people questioned the care I showed,
Is it wrong to show to people that we care about the people I care about?

Counting days...

2010-03-15T04:08:00.000+08:00

Just a few months left for me,
Around 11 months, I think...
I won't be around for a while,
So, please be patient, my dears,
Especially to my mum and my dad,
To my sister and my niece and my nephews,
I'll be back home, don't you worry,
I'll always remember my hometown, I promise,
I'll never ever forget about my loved ones...

I know that I'll be away for two years,
But don't you worry,
I'll call regularly,
We'll chat almost all of the time,
By the way, Sydney and Malaysia, it is not that far,
Just buzz me, and I'll be home to you.

Please don't cry, Ma,
I don't want to see you cry,
If you do, I can never hold back my tears,
Please be strong, Pa,
Cuz you're Ma's strength,
But if you're weak, Pa,
So will Ma,
Please be right there beside me, sis,
If not I can't stand up high,
Your my pride, your my will
and with the three of you,
You made me ONE!

NO more about YOU!

2010-03-15T03:57:00.001+08:00

Sorry, I just deleted every memories of you,
Sorry, I just discarded everything that is related to you,
Sorry, I don't love you like I did before
Sorry, just GET OUT of my life, will you?

Goodbye to YOU!

2010-03-04T02:03:00.000+08:00

You once I loved,
You once I cared for,
You once I treasured,
You once I called friend.

Then you tore my heart apart,
Then you lied to me,
Then you lose my trust,
Then you became my worst nightmare.

Now I hate you,
Now you lose my interest even as a friend,
Now I won't bother you,
Now you are my enemy and forever will be.

So, don't come back to me,
Don't try to call me,
Don't even try to text me,
Or I will delete them all.

Goodbye and don't stay!

I had a plan of my own

2010-02-23T00:43:00.001+08:00

I am not a thinker,
I am not an intellect,
But I didn't say I don't think at all
Or say that I am all stupid,
I do think any thing that can benefit me,
I do had a plan like others too.

Who next?

2010-02-05T01:39:00.001+08:00

I never thought that you couldn't sleep until 5am
upon hearing me having a fever,
But I'm sorry, truly I am if I ever got you worried.

I didn't mean to fall sick,
I didn't mean to not to tell you that
I was not feeling well earlier that morning,
But I couldn't tell you that I a bit feverish.

Decided to just to endure the fever,
Decided to let it receded on its own,
But it got worsen,
I know it's my fault,
I'm sorry, again.

To hear that you're coming just to see me,
To check whether I was in a good condition,
That was enough for me to heal from the fever I had,
But, didn't you feel that the visiting was a bit burden to you?
Still, you came, just to see me, I was touched.

You gave me a Tupperware of rice, with pappadom and gravy and a fried egg,
Those really made me happy,
How you know that I was longing for that food, I wouldn't know,
But a thousand thanks I bid to you,
For bringing me those.

Even though the visit was just for an hour or so,
But I felt like an eternity,
Even though a hug from you was just for a few moments,
But I will cherish it for forever
Now, it's way past midnight, and I should get some sleep by now,
So, again...
I'm sorry and thanks,
For being there whenever I need you the most!

(this is for you, Mama. I Love You SO MUCH!!! <3)

A Tribute to You!

2010-01-16T01:02:00.001+08:00

At first, I owned two,
Within two weeks, the two turned one,
One was Red, the other was Orange,
I treated both the same, equally,
I fed them, I changed the water,
But still, we humans can't change fate,
Red left Orange and me,
I don't know the cause of her death,
But what I know, she supposedly should not be dead
because she was a very active one.
The lost of Red really made me suffer,
But I never thought that sufferings would came haunting me back.

A sunny day of Thursday 14th,
I lost Orange forever,
The lost was too tragic to me,
She just disappeared from my sight,
No traces left behind, not even a message, not even 'goodbyes'.

I was too sad I can't talk much during dinner that night.
On Friday, I pretended to be happy,
But no one knew what was in my heart.

Orange, you meant a lot to me,
When I was sad, you were there to comfort me,
Even though you couldn't talk,
But your gaze was enough for me to take it as a sincere sympathy and empathy,
You are my truly one and only tortoise that I love.

Remember the day when we first met?
Remember the days when we traveled back to my home town together?
Remember the days when we slept together on my bed?
Remember the days when my niece and nephew played with you?
Remember the day when my mum looked after you?
Remember the days when I cried and you just looked me in the eyes?
Remember the days when I let you play in my room and I put books as the border?

I missed you so much, dear Orange,
I missed you it hurts.

I love you...
I miss you...
Hope we meet once again, someday, somewhere...

So, fly away my dear one,
Hope you rest in peace,
Hope you are happy,
Hope that you will remember me always
And I want you to know that my love for you...it's infinite......

Poem 15 - The Little Bird

2010-01-15T23:08:00.002+08:00

There was a little bird,
Trying to flap his wings,
He chirped calling his mother,
Wanted to make sure that his mother was not around,
No reply - meaning his mother was not there,

So, he decided to take off.

Just another 20 feet before he reached the ground,
He never thought, with the fir tree towered more than 100 feet ,
he would not succeed his first attempt to fly,
In just no more than 10 seconds, his life would be at an end,
He closed his eyes shut, Uttered a few "sorry",

10 seconds seemed like a long day to him, or was it?
He opened his eyes,
He could see that his visions getting higher and higher,
He wondered why,
Later, he could see trees beneath him,
He could feel the wind slapped his face,
He could sense the warmth of the sun,
He soon realised,
He was soaring!

He looked down,
"So, this is how it looks like from up above?
What a scenery. What a luxurious home I have.
This is the beauty of God's creations that mum's talking about.
Thank you God for giving me a chance to live in your world."

He flied across the blue lake and soared high above the mountains,
He went low, to see the creatures on the ground,
Some on fours, some on more than hundreds,
Some fighting for food, some just share food,
Some was cleaning their mane, some just let their body covered with mud.

Soon, his senses came back to reality,
He was running late,
His mother might be at the nest,
Waiting for my return with worms-filled mouth,
He then returned back to his nest.

Once he saw his mother's glimpse,
He chirped happily,
His mother returned him with a satisfied smile on her face,
He continued chirping, telling his mother about his amazing experience,
And they fell asleep, the little one still murmuring about all the God's creations he saw
and his mother was very grateful of having a son like him.

2009-12-21T00:27:00.002+08:00

Should I give up or should I give in?

A.R.F.A.L (continuation) - Chapter 2

2009-12-03T22:03:00.005+08:00

Chapter 2

January 2003

Nadhir slumped in his armchair, filled with darkness and solemn in his library. Preventing from straining his eyes in the darkness, he walked towards the fireplace, fetched a match, stroked it and with the flame, he threw it into the stack of fire woods.

"Here is much nicer than that stupid chair," he claimed while pulling a rug a little bit nearer to the fireplace and laid himself on the rug, letting the heat cover his body from the coldness of that night. How he hated cold night, especially nights in summer, like that night. He tucked his arm underneath his head, trying to think about the meeting he had with his mother a few hours ago, at his mother's place, and it daunted him.

A bottle of ink smashed at the front door lured the housemaid to wipe it clean. When the maid's eyes met his, her knees knocked frantically. She was no longer able to see the luxurious hazel eyes of his master, what she saw was a deep brown eyes watching over her, as a predator watching over the prey, hungrily. The Stare, as the workers in the house might call. She left him alone then.

Meanwhile, Nadhir continued staring at the door, emptily. Still, he could not get rid of the conversation he had with his mother.

Maybe I should forget what mother told me. But, she asked me to get settled. How can I get settled? This is not the time yet. By the way, I don't have a girl of my own yet. So, again, how am I going to get settled? Huh, what a wimp I am. Even my own brother had a wife for almost two years. He's younger than me. I should be ashamed off him. Yeah, maybe my mom is right after all. She is always good in everything she thought of. Maybe this is the time I should get settled. It is not that easy though. Of course in just a snap, many young ladies out there would be craving to be my wife. However, can they be a perfect girl like my mum always wanted? Can they fulfill her criteria of a wife I should have? Now, I am off age, according to mom. 35. Is it off age? I'm still –

There was a knock at the door. Nadhir thought it was the maid, but it turned out to be his sister, Nadia. Her hair was neatly tied into a ponytail, her golden-embroidered white nightgown was covered with cardigan, and she smelt like lavender, the result of her massaging oil, perhaps she just taken her weekly massage since that day was Sunday, as she walked carefully towards the table with two cups of Jasmine tea and a few pieces of biscuits on a tray, she said, "I heard that you have sleeping problem, again. So, I decided to make you these, as usual. Hmm, I think it's about you and mom, having a conversation about marriage again, right?"

"I don't know which side of the family you had that telepathy of yours," smirked Nadhir. From his face though, Nadia sensed his tenseness.

"Nadhir, what mom said was true. You should reconsider yourself. Supposedly by now, you should have a wife and a family for you to care for. By the way, don't get mad with mom. She is worried sick of you. She doesn't want you to become like our uncle, a handsome brute during his adulthood, had a free life as a free man then and there and in the end, he became a widower. Do you want to be like – "

"I know sis. Thanks for the tea though, but I need some time, alone," Nadhir crossed.

Before she could answer him back, he walked towards the rug and slowly closed his eyes. Without further hesitation, she leaved her brother. She closed the door shut. She muttered all the way to her room, before she heard a click at the library door. She looked out at the window, and look at the sky. Not a promising night. She wanted to go back to the library, to soothe his hot-tempered brother, but she changed her plan. She already knew what kind of gratitude his brother will give to her if she interrupts him right now. Either The Stare or even worse, he will shout her with full of fury. Moving towards her bed, kisses the forehead of her husband, who was asleep soundly, and covered him with a blanket.

'Maybe I should leave him alone. Let him think this matter on his own'.

Nadia laid herself down on her bed. Before she could close her eyes shut, she heard a loud yell came from the library. Followed up with a loud bang of the door, evoked the silence of the night. Footsteps rushed downstairs. The front door of the mansion was closed with a big bang, and a few moments later, somebody rode the horse and silence crept in the mansion again. Nadhir.

Pure Hatred

2009-11-25T22:00:00.004+08:00

Who do you think you are?
You think you can come into my heart with full of love and care
and than spilled it with blood of vain and sadness
and you tear in apart into billion pieces?
You think you can just let me wither, liquidized
and let me drain into sewer just a blink of an eye?
You think you can take a good care of me
when actually you care less?

Who do you think you are?
You think you can come and sucked my whole life
and you leave my heart behind and let it rot
by the pure hatred towards you?
You think that once you pass me by
and with that warm gaze
and with your sweet talks
and you can make me forgive all the things
you had done to me?
You think I can forgive you in just a snap?

Who do you think you are?
You think that you are famous
and I purposely 'befriended' to you?
You think I am lucky enough to have you by my side?
You think you are good and clever enough to play with my heart?
You think you are so hey-I-am-a-so-good-looking-and-every-girl-will-drool
I cannot dump you out in my life?
You think I cannot do that, do you?

Who do you think you are?
Do not take me for granted for I am a weak girl,
But you barely know I am a strong girl within
and I swore to you and to my pure hatred towards you
that I can live my life to the fullest,
without your presence!

p/s: erm...hasil krja ini tiada kena mengena dengan sesiapapun...samada yg msih hidup, ataupun yg sudah meninggal dunia...just doodling around...hehehe

My stomach hurts!

2009-11-24T00:20:00.002+08:00

Stomach ache, stomach ache...
Why do you must be so damn painful aching?

Stomach ache, stomach ache...
Did you just sulk that I eat less recently?

Stomach ache, stomach ache...
It has been two days since you've been like this,
When will you stop???

Stomach ache, stomach ache...
Please stop whatever you're doing right now.

Stomach ache, stomach ache...
Please let me go!!!

Quote 1

2009-11-19T21:18:00.003+08:00

If now you hurt because you fall in love with someone, never question God why He gave you the feeling of 'love'. You are actually lucky enough because God gave you the chance to care and to love someone and that chance proves that God actually loves you too.

Poem 12

2009-11-14T00:06:00.005+08:00

We both changed a lot,
Even though in just a few months,
Who is on fault I might ask,
But I'm sure that the answer you can't provide.

I asked myself about my feelings towards you,
"Is it the same as before or has it turn out stale?"
I'm sorry that I couldn't answer it
Because I'm not sure if I ever like you.

Although we might be just mere friends,
But, do remember that I care for you,
It is not that I like you or love you,
It is actually what are friends supposed to do.

A Resolution for a Lifetime

2009-11-09T20:12:00.003+08:00

I had promised that I would post an entry of my first novel. Still a beginner, still a learner. So, I hope that you readers out there will give me feedbacks so that I can improve. The title of this novel, "A Resolution for a Lifetime". Actually, this story was an inspiration from my short story (which bears the same title) or should I say I had the inspiration to make the short story into a novel from a comment given by a bright student, a never-so-low-adrenaline-level person in my cohort, Anwar and not to forget too to my best friends, Yana and Chu-ai for their continuous support for this novel. Thanks guys!

If you did not have the chance to read to the short story I mentioned, so allow me to brief on what actually this story is about. First and foremost, it is about a guy, Nadhir, who despites the true nature of LOVE until one day he meets his true love. Thus, behold!

Chapter 1

Prologue

July 2004

Guilt and sadness crept into the very bones of the second child of a single mother Izzah. Nadhir knew that everything that he had been through and done was wrong, but he barely not able to think of anything to solve the problem unless to get married with a woman he treasured the most. As what he had planned for, supposedly he would take a step ahead as to propose the girl, today. However, he knew that all the plans he made were ruined.

Two weeks passed by, not single news about Aleesya, a strange petite girl Nadhir met on a train while he was on his way to run away from Italy, away from problems that troubling him too much. A lucky girl that had stole Nadhir's stone-hard heart about girls. A girl whom heart Nadhir had shattered into million pieces.

"Where is she? I couldn't find her….anywhere…", Nadhir sobbed.

No tears running down from his cheeks since the tears had dried as he cried for her absence for days. He never thought that the girl would run away from him. Still head in hand, he kept on thinking of places that Aleesya might be but he could not think of any. Nadhir had barged into every place he managed to remember. He went to the places they went for their luncheons, picnics, parties, and even book stores. He asked every person he bumped into and asked about Aleesya, her family members, her close friends, the owners of the book stores, the coachmen and even his own mates. Not a single sight of her. But, he never gave up.

He did not mean to break her heart. He did not mean to have a date with Aleesya's own flesh and blood sister, Aneesya. It was on purpose. It was planned. Plan to separate the lovely doves apart. Yes, it worked, but suffers diffused into the hearts of Nadhir and of course Aleesya as she sees her own sister hugged her beloved man.

How I wish that I can hold Al's hand and kisses them and tell her the truth that the hugging-thing wasn't my fault. I was caught in the middle. I had been fooled off. Al…Wish you were here to hear my apologies. Wish you were… How I wish that I have the power to turn back time.

Poem 11

2009-10-15T00:17:00.005+08:00

As I turned my back on the world,
A whole lot of doors left closed
which I thought they would be left wide open,
Decided to go back on the right track
and wish for it to remain,
Then later, tons of obstacles
laid to be discovered.

I knew darkness overruled me,
And I thought that it would stay the same
as similar as the moon covers the sun
to produce an eclipse,
When I passed through all the obstacles,
I then knew that the eclipse in my heart
won't last forever,
It would be replaced with a bright light,
Light of Hope,
Light of Happiness,
That would never fade away with time.

Power now is in my hand,
But can I control it?
Can I use it for a good purpose?
Am I ready enough to take such a burden in my life?
I am still young,
Still learning things that happened around me,
That sometimes leave me in confusion of
The reasons why those things came about.

Give me some time,
Provide me patience,
Lend me a little bit of strength
For me to unwind this strangely intertwined life.

Poem 10

2009-10-14T20:59:00.001+08:00

I never thought that when I woke up,
I would be this light, lighter than ever,
I crawl out off the bed,
White petals falling from the sky,
They cover the ground and make the ground to become
a White Rose Petals Patio.

I'm curious of all that had happened,
What's on earth are these?
These are God creations, of course...
But, they are different from those I'd seen
In my whole life...
I decided to walk on the white rose pavement, slowly, carefully...
Soon, I realize that my knees are no longer wobbly,
They seem to be as rigid as when I was young.

Eventually, those whites turn blacks.
I can't see a thing.
I try to reach out my hands,
I can feel that all the warmth turn cold,
Air becomes denser each seconds,
Filthy air hit my nose,
The stench of rotten things grab hold unto my nose,
The hoots of the owls straightened up my hair,
Goosebumps here and there.

A few moments later,
I am able to see again,
Then, I can see,
Something glowing in front of me.
As I walk towards it, it grows larger and larger.
The dense air, becomes thinner,
Fresh air again slapping my face,
The warmth caressing my exposed skin.
I need to cover my eyes
For the light shine so bright.
Magnificent light.
I slowly open my eyes,
Letting my iris adapt the sudden change.

Blooming flowers lying invitingly on the ground,
The branches of the willow tree waving at me,
The tree seems to asked me to go towards it,
I start my paces back as they had stop about 10 minutes ago
Because I'm enjoying the pleasant environment
In front of me.

I plucked an apple which was produced by a nearby tree.
I lay myself on the root of the willow tree,
While munching on the delicious, red apple,
Gracefully, I crossed my arm and tuck it under my head,
Watching the clouds up above me,
Which sing to me a lullaby,
Slowly, I fall to sleep again.

In my dream, I said...
"I wish that this feeling to be in Paradise will lingers with me all the time.
Of course I will stay here because I had leave the Earth
to the land of infinity..."

Short Story 1

2009-10-03T22:01:00.002+08:00

A Resolution for a Lifetime.

There was a time where a man who really hates women. Why you may ask? He will answer like this, "Women are stupid. Like to cry even for just a small trifle things. Like to sulk...bla...bla...bla".

One thing about him is, he likes to play on women's feeling. He would love a woman for just a few months, than he left the woman, confused, disturbed feelings, alone. He had had done this for a quite of number of times, and everytime he done this, he always succeed.

One day, he met a downtown girl, so decent, so beautiful, so soft-spoken, very fair, and above all, she's intelligent, the brightest among the villagers. He met her on his way to his village on a train. Her seat was next to him. He took the seat next to her, suddenly, a sense of urgency rushes through his veins. He don't know what's on earth happened to him. He ignored the feeling. The train put on halt suddenly, that her purse slipped off from her grip. He picked up the purse, examined it, "Oh, Tania…", scribbled down a few details of her, and he woke her up.

"Miss, you dropped your purse"

"Owh, thanks Mister…"

"Tony"

"Thanks Mr. Tony. What a kind pleasure to know you."

"You are?"

"Miss Tania."

"You're welcome, Ms. Tania. Nice to meet you too."

'I suppose this is the time to get to know her. It would be easier in the…'

"Mr. Tony, are you here?" She snapped him off from his plan.

"Hmm? Yes, I'm here."

He talked with her, over and over again, and the woman, without her knowledge about the man's plan, kept on talking with the man. The guy intentionally flirting with the woman, and slowly she fell for it. He did asked the woman phone's number, and she just simply gave it away, perhaps with the purpose of to get to know him well, for the guy knew that their village is just nearby.

The next morning, Tony texted her…

-Do u mind if we go out n have a date?-

-A date? Just the two of us?-

-Yup…just the 2 of us? Do u mind?-

-Lemme think first-

-Ok…I promise. No harm during the date. Don't worry bout that.-

-It's not that. I want to reschedule my time first-

-It's ok. I let u decide the date and time. I'll decide the venue.-

-K.-

-Gtg…I have works to be completed. C u.-

-C u…Take care. Bye. –

'She's too easy to be fooled. I can't imagine that it would be this simple. Hmm, first thing first. I need to go to the florist, bakery, and then book for a candlelight dinner,' whispered his heart.

…

Tania was talking with her friends when Tony

called her to confirm the date.

"Tania, are you sure that you want to have a date with this guy?" asked Mell.

"Yes, I'm sure. By the way, I want to teach him a lesson."

"What kind of lesson?"

"From his look and his attitude, I know that he is a playboy and don't trust on women. So, I want to take this opportunity to teach him."

"Are you sure that you can do it? On your own?" queried Mell.

"When I say, I'm sure, please believe me. Have courage on me."

…

Both of them had so much fun during their date. They went to the cinema, shopping, and dinner. Tania already knew this kind of moves from a man like Tony. She already knew that Ton would ask her hand for marriage. Tony, on the other hand, thought that Tania is just a simpleton. Tania was a good actress at that time. She played her part with high level of expertise.

…

Months passed by. They were on their way to the wedding planner. Tony asked himself.

'What is the matter with me. I can't deny this marriage. I seem to fall for my own plan. But Tania is worst. She dumbly followed my instructions. She's like a puppet. A clever one. A talking puppet. But I wonder why, whenever I have a date with her, I can feel a sincere relationship within us. This is not me. I'm different. I like to see her smiles. I laugh along whenever she laughs. I do like her jokes. Hey, Tony! Knock it off! I'm not supposed to get married with Tania. She deserves a better man. Not the man like me. I should tell her the truth. But… I love her. Yes! I love her! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!'

"Tony, are you alright? Is something the matter? You look pale. You want me to drive you home?"

"Tania, I need to tell you the truth."

"What truth? Tell me later. You need to have a rest, Tony."

"Tania, actually our relation…"

"I know. You never love me."

"…."

"Yeah, I knew it from the very start. How come a man will fall in love with a woman with just a few meetings? It's impossible. This is reality, not a fairy tale."

"But, why do you…"

"Why do I accept your proposal? At first, truthfully, I want to agree you with the purpose of teaching you a lesson, not to play on women's heart. Slowly, my feelings towards you bloom."

"Same goes here. I sense the difference in our dates. It's not like the ones I used to have."

"Do you mean…"

"Yes. I start to fall in love with you."

"…"

…

"Tony, who is that woman?" asked his colleagues.

"Ohh, that pregnant lady? She's my wife and the one in her tummy is our child."

"When did you get settled?"

"Last six months when the boss sent me to Kangar for the business meeting there."

"You mean, you met her there?"

"Not exactly. I met her on the train there. By the way, her ho

me is just a few kilometers away from my village. So, our dates were possible."

"But, I thought you are…"

"Playboy? The last time, yes. I am a playboy. Now, I was a playboy."

"You'd changed?"

"Yes, she's the one who is responsible in doing this. I'm lucky to have her in my possession. I'm lucky to know her. I don't want to lose her, forever. I love her so much."

Poem 9

2009-10-03T21:55:00.001+08:00

I’m awake,

But my heart still soundly asleep,

Dreaming of a beautiful life ahead,

Hoping for the true love to come

Twinkling from the sky above me,

Draping me with the warmth

Of your care,

Clinging tightly onto

Your tendrils of strength.

Suddenly,

My heart throbbing full in pain,

All the dreams come with full of vain,

Hopes just fade away with dust,

Where’s the blanket of care of yours?

Where’s your peacefulness?

Where have you been, dear?

I miss you,

Miss you so much it hurts!

Now, I’m standing here, alone,

Trying to figure out where I’ve done wrong,

I want to search for the key to your heart,

I want to ask your heart why you leave me,

And just one more thing, one more thing…

I will beg to your heart for your return,

The return for forever…

Poem 8

2009-10-03T21:54:00.003+08:00

Here I lie, awake,
Trying to figure out
For my own sake,
Calculating everything
That you've done to me,
Trying to unravel
All the miseries and mysteries
You left inside of me.

If one day you leave me,
Here, alone,
I hope there'll be no tearshed
From the eyes of my own,
I want to be a strong girl inside,
But I know I never will.

So, from this time onwards
I will plant the seeds of strengthness,
I will harvest them as the
Protection of my sadness
And at that time,
The girl you see
Is the girl reborn
From the inside of me.

Poem 7

2009-10-03T21:54:00.001+08:00

I wake up in a sudden,
Staring at the ticking clock on the wall,
"Oh, it's still early"
But I'm hungry.

I go downstairs, open up the fridge
and take a glass of milk and some biscuits,
I pull the coffee table near to the settee,
I sit on it, and I switch on the tv,
The black screen changes its screen colour,
"Ah, my favourite channel and my favourite song"
'Obsession' by Frankie J.

Then, my dry cheeks can feel
The tears rushing down like a waterfall,
"Oh, are my darlings fine right now?
Are they ok?"
One is very far away at KMB,
another is just at ACMS,
But neither of them I meet,
Even just for a while.

Hope that I can meet the one at KMB next week,
And the another by this month of May,
I also hope that all the plans that we made
Last month worked out in the end,
"Chu-ai and Yana...
I miss both of you so much!"

Poem 6

2009-10-03T21:50:00.002+08:00

Slowly I sneak out of the room,

Afraid that the Sinister in it will awake,

Upon the exit,

My senses gush throughout my body,

Suddenly, a loud thud behind me,

The Sinister fully awake!

Rushing towards the other door

ESCAPE!!!

That's the word that I manage to say

Swing it wide open

My heart thumps hard

OH SHIT!!!

I forgot to lock the door I unlocked

By God! I must get out from here!

What should I do? What should I do?

My shirt drenched with sweats

Sweat too trickles down from my temple

Hey, there's a gate!

I thrust myself towards the gate

Seize the keys with my trembling right hand

Unlock the gate, lock it back,

I take a few steps forward and turn myself around.

There's nothing!

What was that thing that trying to catch me?

As I walk home, I realize, it was only my imagination.

Poem 5

2009-10-03T21:38:00.001+08:00

I CAN'T BREATHE! I'M SUFFOCATING!!!
Why is the air so filthy?
I'M HUNGRY!!
Why is the food contaminated?
I'M THIRSTY!
Why is the water is too acidic and very noxious?
Why? Why?? WHY?????

"Just throw the rubbish into the river, darling."
"No need to filtrate the smoke. It's just a wastage of money."
"Let us burn them. It is no longer useful."
"Hey, let us use these pesticides. It's much stronger. More pesticides will be killed."
-Can you imagine, how ignorance they are?
We are not supposed to do these.
It is wrong!

"Mummy, you can't throw them into the river. The river is the source of fishes and water."
"Boss, we must filter our factory smoke. It is hazardous."
"Papa! We can give these clothes to the orphans."
"My friend! It will spoil the fertility of the soil if you use a strong pesticides."
-See, we should be like this.
Alert to their surroundings,
They can make a huge change on the mother nature,
Be them.
Love the earth.

Poem 4

2009-10-03T21:36:00.001+08:00

I am a prisoner to you,
Locked in a dungeon,
With rats and creepy things
Crawl right in front of me,
You said that you would unlock me,
But it seems that it had been ages
For that promise to be done.

The last food I ate was yesterday's food,
Given by your servant,
Thirsty, for a drop of water,
To quench my thirst,
Is it morning?
Or is it night?
I need to know what is the time now,
I need to know for how long I had been here.

In all of sudden,
Hatred overwhelmed,
Desire to kill overruled me,
Maybe it is awaken because of my own tiredness.
The door swung open,
Even though with the slight presence of light,
The silhouette at the door can't be mistaken,
It belongs to you!

Urge to break this hand cuffs,
I gain my strength,
I lunge towards you,
But before I can strangle you to death,
You hug me,
My senses awake,
My hatred melts away,
My body shudders against you,
I'm sorry if my tears do wet your chest.

You lift me up with care,
I heard the word 'sorry' all the way to your room
Whispering from you to me in my ear,
You put me on your bed,
You asks the servants to help me on my feet
And slowly lead me towards the bathroom,
They put a white nightgown on me,
I can see that you're trying to lit on the fireplace,
You turn your face and give me a sweet smile,
All the servants leave us alone
And you pull the armchair next to me,
You hold my hands and kiss them,
The heat of your lips
Erases the bed memories down there,
Again I can hear your apologies,
Over and over again,
Both you and I never get tired of it.

I don't know how we slept last night,
I look at your face with the pool of tears
Overflowing my eyes,
I caress your face with full of love,
I'm sorry that you have to sleep on the armchair,
You have to wait for that day,
When the both of us are one.
You open up your eyes,
I pretended to sleep,
And I can hear you say the magic word,
"I love you..."

Poem 3

2009-10-03T21:35:00.002+08:00

Nothing much I ask from you,
Just you is what I need,
I want you to lend me your ears,
So that I can tell you secrets and stories,
I want you to lend me your shoulders,
So that I can cry on it,
To get rid off my miseries,
I want you to lend me your arm,
So that I can hold onto it when I am afraid of something,
I want you to lend me your chest,
So that I can lean on you when I feel lonely,
I want you to lend me your hand,
So that I can grab hold on it when I want a company in darkness,
I want you to lend me your mind,
So that I can read it whenever you looked puzzled,
Maybe it's too much for me to ask such things from you,
Why you may ask,
It's just because you are my friend that I could rely on.

Poem 2

2009-10-03T21:34:00.002+08:00

In both of my hands,

Lay two beautiful gems,

Different in types,

But both of the same quality,

Both of the same eminence,

Which one to choose,

To select one on the right hand,

I will lose the one on the left,

To pick the one on the left,

I will lose the one on the right.

I love the one on my right,

Because it illuminates my life

Whenever I in miseries,

I adore the one on my left,

Because it elucidate my spirits,

So to face the world filled with agonies.

I try to get rid the one on my right,

But I can't afford lose it,

Since it was bestowed to me by my lover,

I try to throw the one on my left,

But I don't have the guts misplacing it,

Since the gem was awarded to me for being me.

Precious things are supposed to be kept

Safe and secure,

Both are very valued to me,

So, I decided keeping it with me,

Because preserving things you love the most

Is the best thing one should do.

Poem 1

2009-10-03T21:31:00.002+08:00

It's over,
The full moon is covered,
Covered with a big black cloud,
Is it going to rain?
Ahh...
I don't care,
Whether it is going to rain or not,
But I ain't moving from this spot.

Rain drops keep falling on me,
But I just stay put,
Even the drops enter my eyes and hurt me eyes,
I still let them open wide,
Staring at the sky, blankly.

It is almost an hour,
My clothes drenched,
I grab my hair,
I love my hair,
But it is not worth to keep them long any more,
Should I just cut them short
Or just leave them be?
The longer I sit under this shower,
The more I'm getting confuse.

I hug my legs,
My eyes no longer filled with rain drops,
But filled with tear drops,
And they keep running down on my checks,
I just couldn't let my sobs fade away with seconds here.

Faint calls behind me,
Coming from my friends,
They still here,
Waiting for my return,
I mustn't let them wait,
So, I walked with a slow pace towards them,
And again I cry,
Soon I realises,
I still have shoulders for me to lean on.

Dear readers...

2009-10-03T21:29:00.003+08:00

Today,I'm going to put some entries of DOODLES in my another blog here. The purpose: I want to compile them all together in a singular blog...So enjoy my DOODLES...

Album Corner...

2009-10-03T13:32:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, if I don't have any other works to do, I will edit pictures. Decorate it a bit, and save it. Somehow, I found out that editing images of pictures, the outcome of the edited pic/images were very similar to the video clip "Dirty Little Secret" by The All American Rejects. So, from this time onwards, I will update my blog with the images I edited. This slot is called "Shhh...It's A Secret!" So, enjoy!

"Shhh...It's A Secret!" 1

2009-10-03T13:26:00.006+08:00

How would it look if my heart breaks into two halves? Is it going to be like this???

Good Morning!

2009-09-29T15:24:00.003+08:00

Just a simple bidding,
Nothing much I can do
That can show you how much I care,
And you pay me back with your smile,
A smile that can lit up the whole town,
And with that, it is sufficient enough,
To make me whole again.